Thy Will, My Sacrifice.

In the last year and half, I have poured myself into my work. There were a number of things that influenced me to be intentional about being my full and best self in every encounter I had. From William’s passing causing me to recognize how limited our time to share ourselves with this world is, recalling personal conversations with William, hardships and discouragements at work, and mentors encouraging me along the way– it all added significantly to the drive to be better in every way, in every situation.

Fast-forward to early summer 2020, things aligned to open up what I have been expecting to be my next career move. Anyone close to me that has had a conversation with me in the last few months already knows that I applied for the managerial position for the team that I currently work on. I cannot convey enough how much the application and interview process has pressed me to grow. I have learned so much about leadership, communication, myself, trusting God, and so much more as a result.

What you do is up to you…

The position that I want went vacant back in June 2020. The position was posted mid July. Interviews were scheduled at the end of August. A second round interview was scheduled at the end of September. I personally have been preparing for and anticipating this position since before June. My old boss had called me to let me know that he had accepted his new position sometime back in May. After getting off of that call, I immediately started shopping for a new power suit. So from my perspective, this has been a long time coming – about 4.5 months now. It has felt like forever to me!

The narrative in some of the conversations that I have had with people who are just as anxious for an update as I am, always includes this question: “What’s taking them so long?” There were periods of time that would pass with no communication or transparency about what “they” are doing. So being the analytical/over thinker that I am, I began creating explanations on their behalf. Is there that much doubt in my qualifications and ability to fulfill this position? Did the alternative candidates make better sales of themselves than I did? Are there specific “powers that be” that don’t want me in this position? All of these explanations for the waiting season came from a lens of negativity and doubt.

It took many sleepless nights, long transparent conversations with trusted mentors and friends, desperate prayers, and some super impactful sermons and songs replaying in my ears for me to get to the point of seeing, “what you do is up to you, what it means is up to me”. (See below for some of the resources that helped develop my thinking.)

What it means is up to me…

I had already been creating my own narrative for why it has taken so long for a decision on this vacant position to be made. My problem though, was that I was not creating a narrative looking through the lens of abundant love. I had to shift my perspective to that which would come from heaven!

This waiting, pruning season does not have to be because God has left me hanging, or because no one else thinks I am fit for the position. But rather, God has strategically placed this delay into the process so that he could show me some things about my leadership and how I value myself and my work that needed to be addressed before He could elevate me to where He will use me.

I like the example Pastor Steven Furtick uses in “What It Means Is Up To Me” – comparing change vs transition. The decision about the position is the change – it is external, something that happens to you and is imposed by outside circumstances, and it happens in an instance. But the value is in the transition – this is internal, where transformation happens, it takes time. Change is inevitable, but transformation is a choice. My choice is to take my eyes off of “them” and look to God, who knows everything,  His plans for me, His will for me, what’s best for me. My job is to submit to Him and trust His process.

At this point, nearing the end of October (lol) I still don’t know what the final decision on the position is. I don’t know if I will get it or not. But I do know that this season of pruning has shown me blind spots in my own perspectives, areas that I need to submit to God and grow in humility, and my value to the kingdom agenda. How loved am I, that even before I get to “the next phase” of my life/career, God has already begun to refine me – showing me the stuff in my life that can’t go where I’m heading!