Being a widow really sucks – to say the least. For so many obvious reasons, but I think one thing that I sometimes feel the world/people forget about regarding the experience of being a widow, is that I have experienced the beautiful gift of marriage and being in love with my best friend, having a partner to carry life with, someone who knows me and sees me and everyday chooses to love me. And then in a moment that person is gone. My lover, my best friend, my partner, my support is gone. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about William. But it is especially difficult for me on days like Valentine’s Day, for the seemingly simplest reason – my person is gone.
I don’t have him here to bring me flowers and chocolates, to plan a date night, or to simply tell me that he loves me especially on this day. It creates a void, that for me sometimes makes my current reality of being a young(ish) single woman depressing.
I use to spiral and get lost in the feelings of sadness and loneliness. I would frivolously spend money on things or even distract myself by doing my best attempt at a solo Valentine’s Day vibe, to convince myself that I am ok being alone. It doesn’t work. It’s a surface level, temporary fix to the real heart problem of feeling incomplete and lonely. It’s a “being led by my soul (my thoughts, feelings, and will) instead of Holy Spirit” problem. The only way I know how to truly heal this type of problem at it’s root, is to speak to the creator of my entire being and to command my soul to trust His word.
Psalm 23:1-6 GNT
1The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. 2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water. 3He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths, as he has promised. 4Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me. Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me. 5You prepare a banquet for me, where all my enemies can see me; you welcome me as an honored guest and fill my cup to the brim. 6I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life; and your house will be my home as long as I live.
From <https://my.bible.com/bible/68/PSA.23.1-6.GNT>
On this Valentine’s Day, God has filled my heart to understand that I truly already have all that I need, my life lacks nothing. God does give me some responsibilities to access the fullness that He has arranged for my life. My responsibility is vulnerability and transparency with the people around me. To have the scary conversations and sharing with the people close to me how I am feeling and what I am struggling with. And as a I invite people into my life, I am met with support and love.
Not too long ago I learned about the word Sawubona. My understanding is that it is a common South African greeting and response to someone telling you “I love you”.
The most common greeting in the Zulu tribe is Sawubona. It literally means “I see you, you are important to me and I value you”. It’s a way to make the other person visible and to accept them as they are with their virtues, nuances, and flaws.
Sawubona symbolizes the importance of directing our attention to another person. It exists to remind us to understand others without prejudice and to leave grudges behind. The term reminds us to be aware of other people’s needs and to give importance to individuals within a group. It also helps us think about integrating ourselves into our communities and valuing them.
From <https://exploringyourmind.com/sawubona-african-tribe-greeting/>
Within my village of people that care for me, some knowingly and some unknowingly, they have demonstrated this perspective of “seeing” me. It has long been a desire of my heart for at least one relationship in my life to see me – truly see me in all of the good, bad, and indifferent that I bring and to say that I still love you. A representation of unconditional love, affirming that I am enough. And God has revealed to me that not only is that exactly what He Himself offers to me as His daughter, but he has filled my life with people who show up in that exact way.
I am grateful for the faithfulness of my God. I am grateful for the hearts that love me and care for me so well. I am grateful for the mindfulness of the seemingly simple moments and gestures that leave a heart healing impression on my life.
In this moment, it is my prayer that the kindness and love that has been shown to me today is returned to my village in tenfold. God, may you fill the lives of the people in my village with favor and blessings demonstrative of your wild love for them. Heavenly Father, may you lift up the hearts similar to mine, searching for hope in the midst of sinking into sadness – I pray Lord that they may experience your real living love and kindness in a fresh way tonight and throughout their lives, so that they may grow in trusting your word. Our lives lack nothing – we have all that we need in you.