Widowed Momming
I dreamed of providing a healthy two parent household that would be the nucleus of our little family. Showing our children what healthy love and respect looks like. Providing unconditional love to be their hiding place from the crazy of the world – nurturing, protecting, and refueling them to go back out into the world and thrive every single day. But here I am, with that dream deferred living in a reality of disappointment that I am not currently providing that to my child.
Confession of a single mom
I never feel like I am enough. As I began to prepare for Malia’s 5th birthday (still cannot believe that I have been someone’s mom for five years!), the overarching thought that consumed me – I am not enough, nothing I do is sufficient for what Malia deserves. All I could focus on were the deficiencies created within Malia’s life because her dad passed away. That negative self-talk lingered and subconsciously influenced my dependency on alternative means to get the proper help I thought that I needed as a single mom.
Track Team
As a former runner, I was elated at Malia’s request to run. I eagerly sat at her practices observing Malia with her coaches and team. My literal first thoughts sitting there watching her were – 1) we’re gonna need to work on her drills, because her form is trash! 2) I can tell (and I felt everyone else could too) that she doesn’t have her dad at home.
To be honest, I can’t even articulate how or why I felt like that was a noticeable handicap that she had. But I was certain that it was obvious to anyone watching her. I personally struggled with the question of, should I share this reality with her coaches or is it irrelevant? I felt like it is necessary for people that interact with Malia on a consistent basis to know, but I feared the potential of her being treated differently because of it.
I chose not to unsolicitedly publicize our family dynamics. As the weeks went on, Malia had inconsistent interest in participating in practices. One day she did everything she was instructed to and the next she refused to participate and told her coach that she missed her bedroom or her iPad (insert facepalm emoji). Early on, her coach had explained to me that as one of the youngest kids on the team, the inconsistency with completing workouts was to be expected. However, we may need to revisit if the team would be a good fit for Malia if she continued to be defiant when given instructions.
That feedback seemed reasonable to me, but it ended up contributing to a buildup of stress I continued to carry. As time progressed, I experienced a daily anxiety of wondering if this would be the day that we are respectfully asked not to return to track practice.
Initially, when I thought through why I felt like there was a struggle for Malia to adapt to participating on a team, I concluded it was because she is not use to the discipline that being an athlete requires. Which is understandable considering she’s only five and this was her first experience committing to a team! The urgency I felt for her to remain on the team at that point came from my own experience as a runner. Participating on the track & field teams throughout high school and college allowed the sport and the teams to shape my character, work ethic, and leadership skills. I saw her participation on the team as a means of help for me in raising and developing those same qualities within Malia. However, again the negative self-talk got a foothold in and this realization felt like another issue added to my list of failures as a mom.
After internalizing this struggle, and lashing out in frustration toward people close to me, I decided I should probably ask for help. I first spoke with some trusted friends with experience parenting. That was helpful because it revealed to me that I/we are not the only family living out this phase of development. Everyone had their own specifics, but the reality it gave me was that Malia and I were not uniquely struggling as a result of me being a widowed mom, which was the narrative I had been telling myself.
Then at some point I questioned myself, thinking – “Darcela, you were a kid before. You should remember what it’s like to be five.” But that thought passed quickly as I reflected and recalled, “nah, ain’t no way I was like this as a kid!” To verify, I asked my parents, what was I like at five years old? Both laughed when I asked and affirmed that Malia is the complete opposite of me as a child. Then I asked my mother-in-law what William was like when he was five, and she pointed at Malia. I was appalled! How dare I be raising his personality twin without him here!? It was cute to be able to appreciate the similarities she shares with her dad, but it was also another contributor to the strengthening of the foothold in my life telling me I am not enough nor equipped to raise Malia well.
It was a mental battle to not get stuck there. I chose to instead invest my energy into more intentionally disciplining Malia and holding her accountable to being a good listener. Lord, yall that was so hard! Every day between the two of us someone was crying. I remember crying in the car driving Malia to school, oversharing with her that being responsible for discipling her alone is so hard and I wish I had help. Then I began to recognize the inconsistencies in Malia’s life which felt counterproductive to my efforts – the grandparents! To simplify it, I felt like I was more firm and “hard” with Malia, while the collective grandparents were more passive and “soft” with Malia.
Grandparents
Initially, I became angry at my village of family and friends that help me with Malia. Between Kindergarten and my work schedule, it often felt like Malia would spend more time (awake) with others than she would with me. Yet with respect to her grandparents, who are all experienced parents, they magically forgot how to enforce discipline. I internally blamed them for Malia’s lack of discipline. I was harboring anger and resentment for my lack of control over our circumstances and Malia’s lack of access to consistent discipline outside of the house and that the help I was getting wasn’t everything I expected it to be.
I spoke with both my pastor and my therapist about how I had been feeling, and they each shared some of the same insight – talk to them. Communicate my wants and needs when it comes to help and raising Malia. Utilize the same leadership skills I have learned to adopt in the workplace – my family is my team. I practice Inclusive Leadership on my teams, so I am not a dictator, I create space to hear from everyone to give way for their talents, strengths, and experiences to contribute to the team’s success.
So I did just that. And it worked!……..until it didn’t. After a while they started to look and sound like grandparents again.
Single Female Parenting: A Ministry Perspective
I had this book – The Black Family – for a while. Probably since early Spring 2022. However, I did not open it to read. I knew it had context that I was interested in, but for some reason I procrastinated picking it up to start. But at this point, I heard the negative self-talk in my mind saying that a young widowed mother is abandoned by God and the church. It was honestly hard to combat those words considering how I had been feeling for several weeks at this point. But it was at this point that God brought to my memory that I have this book (giving 2 Peter 1:3).
And so I read the chapter titled Single Female Parenting: A Ministry Perspective. I started reading it at work on my lunch break. I sat in the common area with tears streaming down my face onto the pages of the book. Written/published sometime back in the 1900s (lol), the author penned a well-articulated description of what I felt and had been carrying for what felt like too long. “The two needs that single mothers most often express are (1) for a loving, intimate companion, and (2) for someone to share the responsibility of parenting.”
The chapter goes on to emphasize the special comfort and healing God has for single mothers (parents) and the promises of guidance in the raising of their children. It highlighted scripture, God’s word, in which he reiterates his love and availability to single mothers (parents).
The isolation, alienation, depression, and hopelessness I have experienced are normal responses to the void of such a major piece to my and Malia’s life created by Will’s passing. The solution to these problems rests within the inner human spirit. “An individual’s motivation and ability to produce effective, lasting change must come from within for there to be real impact on his or her life. An individual is motivated to respond productively to life’s complexities and crisis when he or she believes that he or she can exert control over it; that there is a way to create an atmosphere that will enable him or her to reach full potential as a human being” – hope. “A hope that produced not material gain, but a deepening of their character.” That is called faith.
This book awakened my heart and reignited my faith to the reality of the special love and hope that God has for me and for Malia. My responsibility is to recognize and accept that God uniquely selected William and I to parent Malia, already knowing the trajectories of each of our lives. To trust that He does not bring us into a situation he does not already equip us to survive and lead others through. So instead of looking for others who have not been called to serve Malia in the role of parent to doing my job. and ultimately to be fully dependent on God for guidance in doing what he has called for me to do.
This perspective has truly blessed my heart and life. It has shifted the priorities in my life as well as caused me to identify habits and disciplines within myself that I must tend to in order to consecrate myself to be available for God to work through me to raise up the woman he has designed for Malia to become. That is my first and most important job, and I intend to honor that role and serve Malia well.
In sharing, I hope if another single parent finds themself experiencing these same feelings you can find comfort in knowing that your feelings a valid and common. And God is not prepared to but He is longing to carry you through this moment of difficulty. For anyone not a parent with these particular struggles, I hope you can still trust that God’s faithfulness and compassion is not just for some of us, but it for everyone. And He likewise wants to remove the burdens from you and reveal himself through your experiences. Don’t stop seeking His face!