Thy Will, My Sacrifice.

Circumstances vs the Power of God

             Instead of focusing only on our circumstances during hard times, for example: losing a job, difficulty in a class, struggling financially, the death of a loved one, fleeing from the Egyptian army and approaching the Red Sea; what if instead we emphasized how mighty the power of God is to be able to turn these circumstances around, and use these struggles to reach more people.

My Story…

              This man that I spent nearly 4.5 years loving, growing with, building a life with, and raising our young daughter with was ripped away from me. Take everything you would imagine this situation might feel like, and then multiply that by 100…that may be close to what it actually feels like.

                I looked up a few definitions of grief, to see how other people have articulated what the loss of a loved one feels like. Nothing seemed to capture what I felt. In trying to define it myself, I would say, grief is a paralyzing heartache that creates feelings of emptiness, brokenness, loneliness, and devastation; there’s this dark weight about grief that no words really do justice to describe.

Reflecting

                At this point, it’s now been nearly 9 months since William passed, and our church has just wrapped up a 40 day devotional commitment. When I reflect back on these last 9 months, I notice many ways in which that time has paralleled the awakening that we have been seeking in the last 40 days. To summarize the awakening in my life, I would refer to II Corinthians chapter 4. https://my.bible.com/bible

                 Because Christ died for my sins, I am able to have a direct relationship with God, and that relationship gives me access to the Holy Spirit. The power of the Holy Spirit rests on me. So in the face of any hardship, when nothing makes any sense, it feels impossible, and I am asking God why, I can find comfort in knowing that I am not in it by myself and the moments of feeling weak, broken, and empty, are opportunities to be filled with more of God, to see the pure power of His love for me manifest. Furthermore, I am hosting the Holy Spirit, serving as a light to illuminate dark spaces.

Practically, what does this look like in my life?

It’s been a constant prayer, requesting “God, please fill me with your love”. Bringing my hurt and my questions to Him, but never doubting Him. God why? Why our family? Why William? Why does my daughter have to grow up without her Dad? God, I am hurting. (I told Him that a lot!) And just as important as bringing my questions to Him, I had to stop and seek His response. For me that came from reading and studying His Word, listening to songs that celebrate His goodness and shifted my environment – saturating my life with what God says about me and how He loves me and soaking in His presence.

It has been a continuously evolving relationship. Each time that I go to Him and seek heaven’s perspective through my struggles, He has met me where I was and gave me these powerful revelations in response:

• The days and weeks after Will passed felt impossible. I ran to God with every tear but still wanted to know why. In those early weeks this is what he returned to me: You wouldn’t understand right now. There is nothing that your mind can comprehend that will make the pain any less right now.

I first had to let go of control. I had this plan for my life; in my plans William and I had a house full of kids and then grew old together. God telling me that I couldn’t understand was so real for me. It didn’t come easy, but I eventually had to yield my plans and desires to accept God’s plans are bigger than mine. The comfort from knowing that I can have this dialogue with God, bringing him my hurt and he responds, was reassurance that I’m not in this by myself. Tangibly, He surrounded me with so many amazing people in my life. My family, friends, coworkers, and all of Christ Community Church of Philadelphia have been right there with me throughout this journey – being able to call or text someone that the weight of my grief is so heavy right now, and they send prayers and blessings over me; having someone interrupt their life to come bring me red water ice and sit with me just to get me to smile; and coworkers purchasing and delivering groceries to my house to help me out.

• As I continued to move in healing, God was revealing more to me. As I had been intentional about guarding my heart and filtering what I allowed myself to sit in he revealed to me: This is bigger than you. What you’re experiencing and learning, this is not for you to keep to yourself. Write it down. This is going to change the lives of so many. This is going to make an impact for the kingdom.

So that is what I did. I continued to seek God, filling the senses of my heart with God. There was a specific moment of deliverance in me where he showed me, I don’t have to accept a life of sorrow and brokenness. My circumstances don’t define me; my identity is defined in Christ.

At this point, we’re on a roll! Hard moments arise, I’m intentional about what I let my mind dwell on, hard moment passes, I feel more connected to God. Cool. Our relationship is stronger than ever. I’m yielding to Christ and trusting him. He’s shared this vision for a powerful move of God and I’m ready! Taking notes, studying, and trying to live in a way that reflects God’s love. And then New Year’s Eve came.

My daughter, Malia, ended up in the hospital on New Year’s eve. In summary, she’s good, she just got pretty sick out of nowhere. I think the heaviness that my heart had experienced throughout 2019 made this situation very scary for me. I still prayed over her, prayed for the doctors that would see her, and sought out my people to physically be there with us, but to be honest, there was a part of me that felt like I threw up my hands in exhaustion, like even trying to give everything over to God ends up in uncomfortable circumstances. And as a result of this, I went back to God with questions. “God, what was that for!?” “You didn’t think everything else I faced in 2019 was enough for one year!?” “I wish I could catch a break!” And just as he had before, he responded.

• That following Sunday, everything was going wrong as we were trying to get to church, tempting me to say never-mind, we’re gonna stay home today. But Malia and I (mostly I because she wasn’t really trying to focus in the moment…) stood in our doorway and prayed, “Lord no matter what is happening around us, we are on a mission to come serve you. Please get us to church safely.” And when we got there, I got my answers: The praise team sang Refiner (by Maverick City) and Pastor Brian talked about how we fight our battles.

Refiner...
If the alter's where you meet us
Take me there, take me there
If you're looking for an offering
It's right here, my life is here
I'll be a living sacrifice for you

God helped me to understand, this stuff doesn’t happen to hurt me. He isn’t bringing me to these hard moments or struggles to break me. He’s refining and purifying. There were some things I wasn’t trying to release control over and it impacted my ability to rely fully on Him.

Along with this, he reminded me of what joy is. I would define joy as the ability to seek God in trouble. Joy is not a feeling, because feelings change. Joy is stable. Joy is trust – trusting what God promised. That regardless of what my circumstances look like and feel like, he is present and working. And the trials that come along are opportunities for Him to mold and shape me to look more like Christ. They are times to practice and exercise His ways (love, patience, kindness, faith, etc.) so that when the world sees me and how I respond to the trying times, they are really seeing a reflection of Christ.

Breaking Strongholds

If I compare the 40 day devotional/fast commitment I would even throw in the last 9 months in total…if we compare it to pregnancy, I theoretically have had this baby, developing within me. We can count this as the birth announcement, introducing Thy Will, My Sacrifice.

I am continuing to capture the things that I have been learning and walking in as a result of this journey and this blog will be a space for me to openly share what I have been receiving. To send out the dove for it to find suitable grounds to rest upon (…insider). The title, Thy Will, My Sacrifice – yielding to the heart of Christ means so much to me. I am at a point in life in which I am all in, giving everything over to God. My life is his to use as an exhibit of the power of his love. And of course it is a play on my late husband’s name, Will. Because in life and in death, William has made a significant impression on my life.

Beauty in My Brokenness

Kintsugi, the Japanese art of restoring broken pottery with gold resin is the perfect visual representation of what I want people to see from my life! Yes, my husband passed away and my world shattered. But through the power of God’s love for me, the pieces of my life are being restored, and what remains will be even stronger and more beautiful.