I once read that grief is something that we carry with us forever; it is woven into the fabrics of our lives. I understood that at the time to mean: the pain derived from the love we have for the person who has passed remains with us. In my experience, that is true. The pain remains, but how we respond to it should evolve. My experiences have also shown me that beyond the residual pain I carry, my grief itself has evolved into new phases over time and with the developments of my life.
In the earliest stages of adjusting to life since Will had passed, my grief weighed on me so that it was hard to see value in my own life. Will’s death meant a death to the life I had planned for and dreamed of. It felt like a death to all of my favorite parts of myself. The fight at that point was to rediscover my self-worth and identity outside of being Will’s wife and finding wholeness in myself without my other half. If you have read my previous blog posts, you have gotten to witness that journey of rediscovering my wholeness in God and awakening to the redemption that being in relationship with God brings. It is truly a blessing of grace to now sit on the other side of that grief and say with confidence that I am not there anymore; to experience the restoration of my heart and freedom from that brokenness. Not only did God bring healing to my broken heart, He also shared perspective to the specific and special purpose He has for my life – showing me that none of my experiences are to be wasted, but instead to be instrumental in sharing His heart with this world.
At this point in my life and grief, I am just now coming to recognize and understand that I am well into a new stage of my grief. To be fully transparent – I am not sharing this from “the other side” of the struggle. I am chest deep into the depths of this new level of grief in which I am working through coming to terms with my status as a single mother as a result of my husband passing away.
I am so fortunate to have the gift of my daughter. Every single person who has met her would tell you the same thing – she is the sweetest little girl. So kind and loving, with a brilliant mind and big personality. She is now five years old, and is fully stepping into desiring to be her own person and sharing all that she thinks and feels with the world around her. One of my favorite things about Malia is actually also one of the most difficult things to face as I parent her – we’re so different in so many ways. Personally, I grew up very quiet and submissive throughout my life. While Malia has been very outspoken and independent for all of her life. I love that for her, because all the things that it has taken me much of my adult life to unlearn and grow into, she thrives in at only five years old. So I know for sure that she is going to live a life that far exceeds mine. However to parent her, it’s been difficult for me because I have no idea what I am doing! How do I create space for her to believe that her voice, thoughts, and feelings are important while also getting her to understand the importance of respecting that I as her mother (plus her teachers, coaches, etc) are better equipped at this point to make certain decisions for her? Or to put it in layman’s terms – sis don’t always listen, how do I make her listen without inflicting traumas on her!?
What I have learned so far is that it requires patience to teach her and to help her understand rather than to be demanding and training her to not think for herself. The issue is, it’s so much easier said than done. Because while my goal is to be patient and gentle with her, I am also living a full life in which so much of my patience and tolerance is already depleted before I return home with Malia on any given day, impacting how I show up in relationship with her.
This year has been hard. Throughout this year I found myself weeping out of emptiness, disappointment, resentment, and bitterness. To keep it brief but share some context – momming, work, and dating throughout this year has taxed my entire being – body, soul, and spirit – more rapidly than I have been able to repair and recover. And to be honest, even the way I have described it here reflects the error in my approach throughout this year – I have been trying in my own strength to repair and recover instead of diligently seeking peace, restoration, and wisdom from my source – God.
However, even in my lowest moments, I have known that the help and peace that I desire comes only from closeness with God. And he does not make mistakes or waste anything, so if I am experiencing it there is purpose for me to learn from it. As I allowed that to become my prayer to God, asking “Lord, what do you want me to learn through this pain?” he responded just as he always does – with perspective and wisdom.
Romans 5 (NASB) 3 And not only this, but we also celebrate in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
God uses adversity to get our attention and draw us closer to Himself. He uses our pain and sorrow to lead us to self-examination and teach us about His love and faithfulness. Trials, difficulties, and adversities should lead to changed behavior and developing within us a Christ-like character.
I have titled this particular blog post Interlude. An interlude is an intervening or interruptive period; a period or event between two others. My title is also inspired by the GOAT, Ms. Lauryn Hill’s classic ‘Interlude 5’ from her MTV Unplugged 2.0 jam session. This has been my pause or disruption to self, where God is bringing self-awareness to me and humbling me to repent for the arrogance within me for trying to live life without His lead. Showing me how I have contributed to my struggles but I have access to the solution through obedience to His word. As I have stated, I am not yet relieved of this thorn, I am still in the depths of navigating this space of grief. But I am now equipped with heaven’s perspective on the burden I have been carrying. I know that as I realign my behaviors and habits to seeking closeness with God, I will meet him where he has always been – already in pursuit of me.
“Oh wretch man that I am, who will free me from this body of death? I’m so glad your reach is further than my run. And I know that every fall, you catch me.” God – my creator, I am thankful for your infinite mind. You alone handcrafted the universe and all time, and with the same hand of intentionality you created me. You carved out every moment of my life, foreseeing the times I would misstep or disobey and still purposed for my life to be used for your glory. Thank you Father for the hardships and the awareness that those are the spaces that highlight your grace and your love for your people – your grace is sufficient for me, your power is perfected in my weakness. I give you my brokenness for your maximum usefulness, so that others may trust your faithfulness.
Maverick City music x Kirk Franklin || Hold Tight (lyrics Video)
