This morning I laid in bed and searched on online “father’s day gifts for child who’s dad passed away”. It felt unreal to type that into my phone. Every time I have to articulate that as our reality, it feels devastating.
This afternoon a friend asked me about making plans for Friday 6/17, and I checked my calendar to confirm if I could be available. Even just seeing the days counting down to Father’s Day stirred up so much sadness within me.
I spent the next few minutes feeling. Feeling the sadness and disappointment. Instead of secretly plotting with Malia about what to get her Daddy for Father’s Day this year, I’m wracking my brain on what to get Lia to remind her how much her Daddy loves her. I cried – the ugly, snotty nose type of cry – so sad, and now bits of anger creeping up inside me too. I had been sitting on the couch with worship music playing on my tv, but not fully attentive to it. Through my deafening sorrow and weeping, I heard the lyrics of the song playing…
“And when I lift my voice and shout, every wall comes crashing down. I have the authority that Jesus has given me. And when I open up my mouth, miracles start breaking out.”
Hearing that, I was instantly reminded: Don’t hide how you feel, don’t suppress it, don’t run to anyone else with it, but take it to God. He can handle it, and he will turn it around.
So I did. I sat there, with tears running down my face and I said out loud directly to God. “It’s just not fair! He didn’t do anything wrong as a Dad. It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to be here to feel how much Malia loves him. It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to experience how silly and just like him Malia is. He was nothing but a great Dad to her. It’s not fair, why would you take that away from him? Malia deserves to feel his hugs and to experience how much he loves her! Why would you do this do her? How did she get picked for this misfortune? It’s not fair!”
At this point, I replayed the song that I had just listened to. I had not actually listened to it before this moment, but because I did appreciate that it redirected me to God in the midst of my heavy feelings, I decided to run it back; to try to soak up all of the goodness it could give in that moment. At the start of the song he sings “I tried so hard to see it, took me so long to believe it. That you’d choose someone like me, to carry your victory…You take the broken things and raise them to glory.” And just as my savior Jesus promised in Matthew 5:4, I received a comfort to ease my mind and carry the weight of my feelings.
Matthew 5:4 (ESV) Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
God confirmed to me – yes, Malia was chosen. Yes, her life story does include the heartbreaking reality that her Dad passed away. Her Father’s Days will look different from many other peoples’. She’ll encounter more and different hardships in her life as she navigates without her Dad here in the flesh. While these realities will contribute to making up Malia’s life story, the purpose is for God’s glory. So again – yes, Malia was chosen. She was chosen to carry the joy of the Lord despite her circumstances. She was chosen to represent God’s victory over sin. So I can dry my tears with a heart full of love, trusting that all that God is working through Malia is for a very special purpose that will serve Him well.